


There's Nothing Wrong With Making An Honest Living Selling Illegal Drugs and Killing People

by xol (firetruck)



Series: Local Book Club Ruins Everything [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Lotto (Music Video), Crack, Gang AU, Gen, M/M, Mafia AU, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-08 20:35:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 5,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8860105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firetruck/pseuds/xol
Summary: A docu-drama on the nation's most feared South Korean-Chinese gang.





	1. team mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suho.  
> real name: junmyeon.  
> position: leader.

"CHANYEOL," Junmyeon all but screams across the room. And then, in a kinder tone, "Hey buddy, let's try to keep it down, alright? I'm being interviewed today."

The camera, already rolling, focuses on Junmyeon's face.

"Oh. We started already? You can cut that first bit out, right?"

***

_Q. As leader, what are your views on the group dynamic?_

"Honestly, we're just one big happy family. Sure we have our disagreements, but doesn't everyone?"

Sehun walks behind the camera and mutters, "Bullshit."

"We do NOT curse in this fucking house! You take that back right now, Oh Sehun!"

The camera pans to Sehun, who raises a hand to flip the bird without turning around. Junmyeon coughs into his hand.

"...Every family has a moody teen, right?"

***

_Q. Do you have any hobbies?_

"Well, lately I've been really into yoga and teaching others to find their inner zen, you know? I'm trying to be a lot more chill but sometimes on the weekends I just really want to kill someone, mostly our members, but then I'm like 'No Junmyeon, remember your breathing exercises!' and then I count to ten and the urge to strangle someone just goes away! Kind of."

An uncomfortable silence ensues before Junmyeon clears his throat and gestures to a corner of his room.

"Anyways, here's my most prized possession. Isn't she beautiful?"

Walking over, he brings back a wooden bat ringed with nails and proudly displays it to the camera.

"I had it specially made," he says fondly. "She's messy, but it's worth it. Doesn't she look spotless? That's because I make sure to clean her immediately after anything...interesting happens. Maintenance is extremely important."

He holds the bat closer up to the lens.

"Look, zoom in. No rust! Impressive, if I do say so myself."

The camera dutifully zooms in to discover that there is indeed no rust. However, there's a splotch of blood between two of the nails, but the cameraman wisely keeps his mouth shut.

***

_Q. Being leader must be stressful. What's one thing you're unhappy about?_

"Full disclosure, Kris does not pull his weight around here. When was the last time I saw him doing something? Hm, how about...three weeks ago! The man is a mess. A mess, I tell you!"

Junmyeon huffs, slamming the head of the bat onto the floor.

"You know what else is a mess? The sink and our laundry, because he hasn't done them yet! When will he learn that we're on a fucking rotation? We may be thugs but I'll be damned if we're not well dressed and clean ones!"

He chews on his lip for a moment before standing up.

"You know what? I'm gonna go give him a piece of my mind right now. I'm gonna let him know exactly what I think about his slacking ways! Oh boy, he won't even see me coming..."

Muttering to himself, Junmyeon stalks away without so much as a backward glance. The camera is turned off. 


	2. bad girls club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> baekhyun.   
> real name: baekhyun.   
> position: covert operations.

"My good side, get my good side! Did you get it? Wait, hold on, hand me that glass of wine. How do I look now? Better? Okay, good. You can start now. Lights, camera, action!"

***

_Q. You're part of a subunit--who do you think perfoms best?_

"No offense to Chanyeol or Jongdae, but I'm probably the best out of our section. My undercover skills are legendary and I can smooth-talk my way out of any situation. I don't know why Junmyeon doesn't just make me head of co-ops."

Baekhyun crosses his legs in the tub, kicking up a couple soap spuds that float onto the lenses.

"I can also cry on command."

He takes a sip from his glass.

"One time Chanyeol just couldn't do it and I had to kick him softly in the shin like five times. It worked, though. He started blubbering like a fool."

***

_Q. There's a rumor that you don't have that great of an ass. What do you have to say about that?_

"What?! That's ridiculous. Of course I have the best ass. Jongdae doesn't even have an ass. Like, at all. Believe me, we had to wear really tight spandex once and there was nothing there."

Baekhyun flicks his eyes between the door and the camera and clears his throat.

"And no, it was not during the cross dressing mission. Not that I've ever had to crossdress. Ever."

***

"Oh my god, my fingers are getting so pruney. Why did I think this was a good idea? Ugh."

Baekhyun lifts himself out of the tub without grabbing a towel to cover himself and the camera quickly cuts off.


	3. seven knives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> d.o.  
> real name: kyungsoo.  
> position: intel.

"No! Don't eat that!"

The cameraman pauses as Kyungsoo lunges across the counter to smack his hand away from a plate of brownies.

"Unless you want uncontrollable diarrhea. Then you can go ahead."

"..."

***

_Q. Do you have a nickname in the group?_

"They call me seven knives. Because that's how many knives it takes me to cook something since I'm always putting them in the sink."

Kyungsoo pauses thoughtfully.

"But also because that's how many knives I keep on me at all times. I'd prove it to you but I can't give away any hiding spots, so..."

***

_Q. Explain your position a bit._

"I know everything about everyone. In fact, I've got so much dirt I started a garden. I grow the best tea. You should try it some time. Laxative free, of course. Not everything I make will give you uncontrollable shits."

The camera zooms in shakily on Kyungsoo's face as he whispers, "As far as you know, anyways."

"Just kidding."

The camera zooms back out.

"But seriously, don't eat anything unless I tell you it's safe."

***

_Q. Who do you know the most about? The least?_

"I'd say I know the most about Junmyeon or Chanyeol. Honestly, it's just because Junmyeon talks to himself so much. All the time. I actually had to mute the feed from the bug I put in his room because he wouldn't stop. I know a lot about Chanyeol too, because I read his diary."

At the cameraman's affronted look, Kyungsoo rolls his eyes.

"If you don't want someone reading your diary then you should keep it locked."

And then, under his breath, "I'd still be able to pick it though."

"Now that I think about it, I know a lot about Jongin too. Because he tells me everything, but that's beside the point. The point is, I'm good at what I do."

Kyungsoo frowns a tiny bit.

"I have the least info on Minseok and Jongdae. I've found out virtually zilch from Minseok after he found the bug I put in his room and destroyed it. Then put it in a cupcake and gave it to me. Laxative included."

Kyungsoo falls silent, as if relieving the awful memory.

"Anyways. Jongdae is such a piece of shit. He put Luhan's experimental mixtape on a loop for an entire week straight before changing 'ok' in my phone to autocorrect into 'blow it like a flute'."

"I'm currently working on hacking him back."

The camera zooms in on Kyungsoo fiddling with a knife as he mumbles to himself, "Maybe literally."

***

_Q. Is there anything else you'd like to say?_

"Actually, I do have some dirt on Jongdae. Did you know that he likes Mi--"

A shadow appears out of nowhere and slams the camera into the ground. The screen cracks, and the last thing heard is a loud voice yelling, "Shut the hell up, man! If you say another word I'm gonna tell everyone that you--mmf!"

The cameraman slowly exits with his recorder, leaving the two men to wrestle on the floor in peace.


	4. nice guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lay.   
> real name: yixing.   
> position: weapons.

"Do you want a blanket? It's kind of chilly, isn't it? Junmyeon won't let us use the heating. Too expensive, he says."

Yixing smiles apologetically.

"I could get you something warm to drink too. Just let me know if you need anything."

***

_Q. How do you like your job?_

"I love everyone I work with. I love my job and my friends, and I'm very grateful to be with them. They are the brothers I never had."

Yixing sniffs.

"I really don't think I would be able to trade this for anything else. Really."

Yixing sniffs again.

"Sorry. Gosh, it sure is cold in here, isn't it?"

***

_Q. What invention/creation are you most proud of?_

"I quite like the bat I made for Junmyeon. I think it's a elegant twist on the traditional nail-in-bat look, which just looks like poor craftsmanship, to be honest. I've made my fair share of tools for our co-op subunit too. That poisonous nail polish was a really great invention."

Yixing blinks.

"Oh, but don't tell Baekhyun I said that. He doesn't like talking about that mission."

***

_Q. Are there any drawbacks to working with dangerous weapons all the time?_

"I have to keep my studio locked at all times. My friends can be very clumsy. One time Jongin applied that nail polish I made to his lips because he thought it was a lipstick. His lips ended up swelling up from the poison and he cried for an hour."

Yixing blinks again.

"Oh, but don't tell Jongin I told you that. He's still very sensitive from the incident and almost cried again when we went to the market and he saw a rack of nail polish."

***

"Thanks for coming over and talking with me. Drive safe!"

The cameraman begins packing up and Yixing walks away to make a phone call.

"Zitao, I swear to god if you don't get that fucking coke over here right now I'm gonna lose my fucking sh--"

The cameraman clears his throat. Yixing pales.

"Oh. You're still here."


	5. the deer be everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luhan.  
> real name: luhan.  
> position: on top of minseok.

"What do you mean I can't write 'on top of Minseok' as my position? That's ridiculous. I can write whatever I want."

The cameraman fixes him with a blank stare.

"Fine. Stealth. Intel gathering. That's my position. You happy?"

***

"Okay, wow. I really need to invest in one of these."

The cameraman watches helplessly as Luhan takes control of his camera to zoom in on Minseok, who's sitting at the dining table typing furiously on his laptop.

"Are you seeing this...this is amazing...he types so fast. And he looks like he's concentrating so hard too. Nothing sexier than a hardworking man. Who happens to go by the name Kim Minseok. And is currently glaring at me oh shit--"

The camera wobbles as Luhan grabs the cameraman and ducks behind a wall.

***

_Q. Do you have any special qualities that help with the job?_

"Why would we waste time talking about things when we could just sit here silently and observe Minseok? Oh look, there's the answer to your question. I'm good at what I do because I am silent and good at observing."

Sehun walks past them and singsongs, "You're also a huge creep."

Luhan swats at Sehun but misses.

"Stuff it, Sehun!"

***

Luhan is just about to answer a question seriously when Minseok walks over, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking visibly stressed out.

"Sorry, I know you're busy right now, but do you think you could give me a massage? Things have been tense."

Luhan shuts up about that one time he hid in a closet for five hours and immediately squeaks out an affirmative to Minseok.

"Yes! Sure. Let's go. Right now."

The two hurry off to Minseok's room and the cameraman is left to zoom in on them as they walk away. Jongdae walks over and scoffs, arms crossed.

"Really? Again?" He sneers, "He doesn't even give that great of a massage. You know what happens in there? They fuck. That's what happens. Minseok lets Luhan fuck the stress out of him. Can you believe it?"

He's about to say more before Junmyeon rushes over and clasps a hand over his mouth, dragging him away.

"No. No, it is unbelievable, because it's not true. If I catch you spreading rumors about Minseok again I'll have Kyungsoo cook for you. Now, don't you have some laundry to do? I can smell your sock pile from a mile away..."

The camera shuts off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me to me: stop.


	6. book gang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kai.   
> real name: jongin.   
> position: intel.

Jongin sits perfectly still in his chair, staring at the table in front of him. A pair of large headphones sit atop his head, playing loudly (but not loud enough to be clearly heard).

Baekhyun stops behind the camera and it swivels to capture him.

"What's got Jongin so shook? Is he okay?"

The cameraman shrugs and continues adjusting the lenses.

***

_Q. In your position, what do you do most often?_

"I read a lot. I've been reading a very sad handwritten novel lately, penned by someone named 'PCY'. Kyungsoo recommended it to me. I think it might be an autobiography."

Jongin pulls a fuzzy-covered journal out and starts flipping through it.

"Want me to read you an excerpt?"

Silence. Jongin takes it as a 'yes' and clears his throat.

"Today I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, but I spilled it all over myself and had to make pancakes instead. Then I got distracted after putting syrup on it and they reached the critical point of syrup absorption and I ended up having to eat sad soggy pancakes for breakfast. :(

Also, none of my friends are answering my texts."

Jongin pauses to sniffle and mumble about how sad it is. The cameraman begins to tell Jongin that he doesn't have to continue, but it's too late.

"To make matters worse, I tried to pet a cat today but it wouldn't let me. I just want to love it. Why wouldn't it let me love it? WHY?!"

Jongin starts sobbing.

***

"I'm into audiobooks too. If I put it on 2.5x speed, I can finish a big book within hours. I've been listening to one recently, actually! It's another one of Kyungsoo's recommendations, read by someone named 'KJM'. It's unlike any reading I've listened to before. He's really passionate and moving...you get really into it. It's such an emotional journey."

Jongin pauses.

"You know, I was listening to it earlier and...it actually sounds like someone I know."

***

_Q. Do you have a favorite senior? Someone you look up to?_

Jongin blushes, suddenly growing shy.

"Oh, I don't know, I really like Minseo--"

"ME! SAY ME, JONGIN!" Chanyeol yells at him from across the room, waving excitedly.

Chanyeol is staring way too intently at Jongin for his liking, and he begins to perspire slightly.

"Say me," Chanyeol urges.

"...Me," Jongin repeats.

Chanyeol chokes on his apple juice.

***

"You're in a gang, Jongin."

"I'm in a book club."

"No! It's a gang! We're a gang!" Sehun's eye twitches as he sighs exasperatedly.

Jongin lets out a sigh of his own. "I know you like to sound cool, but you don't have to call it a gang. There's nothing shameful about being well-read! In fact, it makes you cooler, because then you know a lot of really interesting facts."

"No, you don't understand. This is literally a gang. You are a gang member."

"Well, I guess 'book gang' doesn't sound too bad."

"Oh my god. Let me put it this way: because of us, people die."

"Of fun. From all the cool books we make them read."

Sehun lets out a strange strangled noise that sounds like a dying cat.


	7. the only ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tao.   
> real name: zitao.   
> position: field work.

"Red or blue. Be honest."

Zitao puts up a hand before anyone can answer.

"Wait. Don't say anything. I don't trust your judgement. Driver," Zitao says, snapping his fingers, "pull up my red Lambo. It compliments my skin. Also the badass mood I'm in today."

The cameraman obediently climbs into the expensive car as it arrives, balancing the camera at an awkward angle.

***

_Q. You're in a decently sized group. Are there any conflicts between you and the members?_

"I don't care for Baekhyun."

Zitao messes idly with his hair, peering into the mirror on the driver's side.

"I mean, besides the fact that he's a two, maybe a four with good lighting, he's insufferable. Did you know he compared himself to me once? First of all, we don't even do the same thing. Second of all, he is nowhere on my level. Nope. Baekhyun is levels below me. He would need to take an elevator up many, many levels to reach me."

The traffic light turns green and Zitao floors it. The cameraman almost loses his camera and the comment Zitao mutters under his breath.

"Also, he 'borrowed' my limited edition Kim Possible mug and never gave it back."

***

"Sometimes I see him sitting at the breakfast table and he just stares into my eyes with the most irritating, smug look on his face. He looks at me and I look at him and he takes a sip of orange juice but I can't go over and stab him because Minseok is right next to him. And Minseok has specifically told me I cannot kill Baekhyun, so I'm not going to, because no one ever goes against what Minseok says. But I can still think about it."

Zitao takes a deep breath.

"And yes, I'm still on the fucking Kim Possible mug."

***

_Q. Jongdae was overheard telling someone you were 'just a regular human, ordinary and boring'. What do you think about that?_

"I can see why Jongdae would say that. He's just trying to make himself feel better about his own miserable life, but I'll have you know that I am actually very special and interesting, and I will not be used as a tool in his self-help agenda!"

***

_Q. Yixing was overheard having a heated phone call with you the other day. Are you two on good terms?_

Zitao pushes his sunglasses higher.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Why would I know anything about Yixing from weapons? I know nothing about him."

His foot presses down further on the gas.

"And I especially don't know anything about Yixing from weapons and a missing pound of cocaine."

Zitao passes the speed limit.

"And I especially, especially don't know what I have to do with this."

Zitao breaks 100 mph.

***

_Q. Why did you decide to do your intro in your car? Actually, where are we? Wait, is this a warehouse? ...Are we at a drug deal?_

"No," Zitao scoffs. "Okay, yes. I did take you to a drug deal. Not like I wanted to, though. I just forgot you were coming today. So, here we are."

Zitao pauses halfway out of the car and slides his sunglasses down his nose to peer at the cameraman.

"Say, would you be willing to take the blame for a missing pound of cocaine?"


	8. salt boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chen.   
> real name: jongdae.   
> position: covert operations.

"Are you seriously gonna wear that during your intro?"

"I paid good money for this hat, Kyungsoo! Don't take this away from me."

Jongdae shields his hat with his hands, as if Kyungsoo might reach out and grab it from his head.

"Uh, you paid the same amount as Junmyeon does when he buys our yearly stock of toilet paper at C*stco."

"Junmyeon buys expensive toilet paper!"

"Wait, hold on. Did you just bleep out C*stco? Seriously? Jongdae can wear a hat that says 'Big Daddy' but I can't say a brand name?"

"This hat is art."

"I don't believe this. C*stco. C*stco. C*stco. ****** ****** ******--"

"Big Daddy."

Kyungsoo stalks out of the room.

***

_Q. Do you like your work environment?_

"Eh. It's okay. I mean, it'd be nice if the Big Boss Man, who doesn't like to be called that, was around more often. And paid attention to me more. Maybe take me out for dinner or something. I work hard, yknow? I deserve it."

Minseok walks into the room on his phone, oblivious to the camera crew as he starts opening drawers and rifling through them.

"Wow, there he is. He doesn't even know we're here. You know what? This is my chance. This is my chance to tell Minseok to fuck off!"

Jongdae cups his hands around his mouth and yells.

"Why don't you just fuck me, Minseok?!"

Startled, Minseok almost drops his phone into the drawer. Looking very confused, he swivels his head around and finally notices the cameras.

"Uh..."

"Crap."

Jongdae scuttles out of the room, cameraman following him closely, and Minseok is left looking like a deer in headlights.

***

"Okay, now that we've relocated to the co-ops part of the house we should be safe. Anyways, as I was saying--"

"AHHHHH!!" The bathroom door swings open and Baekhyun barrels into the room, waving a box of hair dye around madly. "THEY SAID IT WOULD BE HONEY MIST AUBURN."

Jongdae takes one look at his firetruck red hair and snorts.

"Well, honey, you missed auburn big time."

Baekhyun throws the box at Jongdae.

***

_Q. Besides formulating escape plans, do you have any other passions?_

"I love one-upping people. Especially Suho. He was bragging to me about doing 200 sets the other day and just about lost it when I told him I did 201 sets. I followed him after he left the room and he went into the bathroom to do breathing exercises at himself in the mirror."

Jongdae crosses his legs and grins, the corners of his mouth turning up.

"And then the next day I heard him complaining to Sehun about how his new routine that included 250 sets hurt his shoulder. Full disclosure: I didn't actually do 201 sets."

***

"Hi, Jongdae!"

"Oh hey, Jongin. What up?"

"Nothin much, just looking for Baekhyun. What about you? How are you doing? Still got that sock pile going? Still in love with Minseok?"

Jongdae twitches.

"Um, what? Excuse me? First of all, that is disgusting. I have never been in love with anyone, ever, in my entire life. At all. And if I was, it would definitely not be with Minseok! He's my colleague. And he's not that great looking. Sure, his muscles might be chiseled by God himself and his--no. No. You know what? How do--how do I know you're not in love with him? Hm? Maybe you are. Maybe you are and you're just trying to throw me off. Well, you failed! I know your secret now! Check and mate, Kim Jongin!"

Jongin goes red in the face as he backs out slowly.

"Uh....tell Baekhyun I'll...come find him later..I'll just...yeah.."

"..."

Jongdae goes still for a second before frowning at the camera and walking towards it, hand outstretched.

"I'm done. Turn that thing off--"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i even doing anymore


	9. my life as a teenage robot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chanyeol.  
> real name: chanyeol.  
> position: covert operations.  
> desired position: intel.

"Okay, I'm ready!"

Chanyeol's phone buzzes loudly.

"Oh wait, I should take this. It's a text from Sehun! ... _'You stupid, evil little troll. What is wrong with you? How spiteful and jealous can you get? I hate you so much, you're unbelievable. I can't believe you would do this to me.'_ ..."

The cameraman raises an eyebrow and zooms in on Chanyeol's face. He wrinkles his nose and puts his phone away.

"All I did was wake him up.."

***

_Q. Why did you list a desired position?_

"Co-ops is really cool, but I think I'd be awesome at collecting information! Kyungsoo has rejected me every time I ask to be part of his unit, though...but I'm working on it! I mean, Jongdae and Baekhyun are great but like, I have a natural talent for getting gossip. Kyungsoo totally needs me!"

Chanyeol pauses to take out a pamphlet.

"I started a gossip column to prove myself to him! It only circulates within the group, though, and I dunno how many people actually read it...I slide a copy under Kyungsoo's door every week and he's never given it back to me so...that's a good sign, right?"

The camera cuts to footage from earlier in the week showing Chanyeol sliding a pamphlet under a door with a sign saying ' _Kyungsoo's Room_ ' and leaving. A moment later, Kyungsoo peeks his head out of the room right next to it, labeled ' _Jongin's Room!_ ', and switches the signs. He looks into the camera with a straight face.

"I started doing this after the first time I got that ridiculous gossip column. He has no idea. Like hell I'm gonna read more of his crap...that's Jongin's job."

He retreats back into his room, muttering quietly to himself, "Soo out."

***

"Aaaaand...this is my room! Ta-da! Welcome to Chanyeol's Cool Cats Cave! ...It's a work in progress."

Chanyeol tugs the cameraman over to his window, showing off a line of 12 tiny plants.

"These are my children," he says in a serious tone. "Junmyeon and Minseok gave them to me to instill a sense of responsibility and caretaking! I think it's working." He starts naming them off, pausing when he gets to a plant that's a significantly darker shade. "Wait, oh crap, Kris is dying! Mayday!"

Shoving the camera aside, he scrambles to grab one of many water bottles lying on his desk and dumps it onto the plant, exhaling in relief afterwards.

"Okay, that was a close one! Oh man. That was scary! I hope real-Kris is okay too. Sometimes when something bad happens to my plants, the same bad thing happens to their real life counterparts! One time I knocked plant-Chanyeol off the windowsill and then the next day I broke my finger!"

Chanyeol's eyes grow wide.

"I mean, it's only ever happened to me but still! I'm not taking any chances!"

***

"This is my closet!"

Chanyeol whacks his sweater paws on his closet and opens it to reveal...four more sweaters and an adidas tracksuit. The rest of the space is filled with shoes and hats. Chanyeol looks on proudly, a wide grin on his face.

"Yep. This is my collection! I have pants somewhere...one pair is on me. The other is in the wash. I think?"

The cameraman deflates a little.

***

_Q. Who would you say is your best friend in the group?_

Chanyeol makes a noise that sounds like a cross between tv static and gas leaking, obviously amused.

"Psh! It's totally Sehun, of course! How is this even a question?! We're best buds! He looks mean on the outside and he's meaner on the inside but if you know him really really well like I do you'll find he's nice sometimes too! Like, waaay on the inside though."

***

"Wow, I'm super thirsty! I think I'll drink these eight glasses of milk, since someone left them out on the table! And also because there's a card that says 'If your name starts with a C, drink these' and my name definitely starts with a C!"

Kyungsoo watches silently behind the kitchen door, his own recording camera in hand. Junmyeon rushes past him and grabs Chanyeol's hand before he can pick up the first glass.

"No! Stop! You will not drink those, because if you do that you will die. Here, there's apple juice in the fridge."

Kyungsoo huffs and slinks back down the hallway.

The camera zooms in on Chanyeol happily drinking his juice and Junmyeon dumping out the glasses of milk while mumbling, "Third time this week..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help


	10. story time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sehun.   
> real name: sehun.   
> position: field work.

"Junmyeon says you're on kitchen cleaning duty for a month because someone told him you were the one moving his 'Bless This Mess' sign every night and replacing it with Kris's contemporary art."

Sehun sends a menacing glare towards Jongdae and he puts his hands up, shrugging.

"Don't look at me like that man, it wasn't me!"

"Snakes," Sehun hisses angrily. "I'm surrounded by snakes!"

***

_Q. Doing field work must be exciting. What was the most memorable thing to happen this year?_

"I'd say the most memorable moment of this year was Chanyeol getting hit by a Vespa and achieving flight for a couple seconds. Full story is, we were walking downtown to get bubble tea after work, not as friends or anything but like, as colleagues. He was on my left and we were walking down the middle of the road and suddenly I see a motorcycle coming towards us so naturally I stop. Except I forgot to tell Chanyeol and he's an idiot so he just kept walking and the front of the Vespa slammed into his legs and spatulated him into the air."

Sehun makes a whooshing noise.

"Then he falls back down onto his shoulder and hits the side of his head. But that's not all! He told the driver he was fine when he could've said he wasn't and scammed some money, which was really stupid. The stupidest thing though, was that he actually was hurt. He had to lie down on a bench for half an hour before he could walk again."

Sehun rolls his eyes.

"And of course I'm not waiting up for his dumb ass, so I ended up just getting bubble tea by myself. Lame."

***

_Q. In a previous interview, Chanyeol named you as his best friend. Who's yours?_

"Uh..." Sehun looks around nervously. Jongin passes by with his nose buried in a book and Sehun grabs him by the arm, making him drop his book.

"No! My book!"

"Jongin's my best friend. We get lunch together all the time."

Jongin drops to the floor to pick up his book.

"Oh thank god, you're okay."

"Next question."

***

_Q. Can you address the rumor about replacing Junmyeon's sign with contemporary artwork?_

"Uh, of course it wasn't me. Do I look like I can just wake up in the middle of the night to do irrelevant shit? Jongdae is obviously trying to frame me. I bet Baekhyun's in on it too."

"They're just jealous of my good looks and skills! Well, if you're watching this, you rats, I just want you to know that I am that bitch and you will _never_ be me!"

***

"Oh my god. Minseok just texted me. He said he paid for that dinner I skipped out on last night. He paid for my dinner! All of it! He might as well have just said he wants to be my sugar daddy."


	11. kriscasso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kris.  
> real name: yifan.  
> position: leader...?

"As you all know, my new artistic piece, " _My New Artistic Piece_ ," is going to be released tonight."

"Is this what you called a meeting for?"

"No heckling, Jongdae!" Yixing shushes him with an index finger to the mouth.

"And," Kris continues, "I would like you all to be there. Except Junmyeon."

"Really? Come on, you know I didn't mean to insult your art!"

"It's not just my art you've insulted! It's the principle!"

"You always say that, but no one has any idea what you mean."

Baekhyun raises his hand.

"Is attendance mandatory?"

"This book club is great," Jongin whispers to Sehun. "I had no idea we'd be dabbling in fine art appreciation too!"

"Trust me," Sehun mumbles, "this is as far from fine art as it gets."

Junmyeon and Kris are suddenly locked in a heated debate at the front of the room.

"You can come only if you don't say anything negative! And also, I'm giving you a 140 character limit. And yes, I will be counting."

"What the hell, Kris? You've gotta be kidding me!" Junmyeon huffs and throws his hands up into the air.

"Correction: Tao will be counting, because numbers confuse me."

***

_Q. Why don't the leaders room together?_

"I don't room with Junmyeon for a number of reasons. First of all, he wears socks a lot and then zaps me with static electricity. Second of all, he keeps drinking my soda--which is prescription, by the way. Third, he uses way too much shampoo. Seriously, he needs to calm down."

Kris pauses to clean his brush before mixing another color on his palette.

"You only need one dollop, two max. He uses five. I can hear him, because the dispenser squeaks every time it's used."

"I mean, he's fine. He's a good person. High-strung, but we all have our quirks. He's just a really terrible roommate. And that's why I moved out and am now living in my art studio on a blow-up air mattress."

***

_Q. How did you come to be part of the gang?_

"Probably because I'm both good looking and talented. Need I say more?"

***

"Wu Yifan!" Junmyeon jogs over, holding his phone. "Where is Sehun? I can't find him anywhere."

"Oh, he went out."

"...Out? He went out? Did you let him out?"

"Uh, I guess?"

"He's grounded, Kris! I grounded him!"

"So...are they not supposed to be let out when they're grounded?"

" _No_!"

***

"You ever think about space? About how vast everything is? We're so small and insignificant. Isn't it fucked up that the galaxy is so huge and we barely know anything about it? Like, what's out there? Aliens, probably. And lots of rocks. Speaking of rocks, you ever think about the moon? Why do people call it a 'she'? The moon is a rock, Junmyeon. It's genderless. Junmyeon, are you listening?"

"Get out of my room, Kris. It's 3AM."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so close to the end I can t a s t e it


	12. odd jobs minnie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> xiumin.   
> real name: minseok.   
> position: boss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bet u didn't see this double update coming!!

"Yeah, no one calls me Minnie anymore. I mean sure, it was a thing when I was younger and doing lots of jobs at once, but...yeah, no. I don't think anyone calls me that anymore."

Minseok frowns.

"At least, I hope not."

***

_Q. [Jongdae] What's the most private thing you're willing to admit?_

"Not exactly private, but I really dislike public bathrooms. For all the obvious reasons, of course. Cleanliness, specifically. But also because one time I was going to the bathroom and someone in the next stall reached over and tied my shoe for me."

"That was me. You should always keep your shoes tied. And I only did it because I was worried about you! What if you stood up, tripped, and then fell into the toilet?"

"...Thanks, Jongdae. I guess."

***

_Q. [Baekhyun] Can I have your phone number?_

Minseok looks up from his phone and pulls a face.

"Sorry, I don't have a phone."

***

_Q. [Yixing] I don't have a question, so I made you this nice cup of coffee instead._

Minseok takes a sip and recoils.

"This isn't that great."

"Cup of coffee."

"I seriously doubt this can be considered coffee."

"...Cup."

"This is a bowl?"

***

_Q. [Junmyeon] Could you offer me some morally sound advice?_

"I'd love to, but unfortunately I don't have any morals."

***

_Q. [Kyungsoo] Kill me._

"...Sorry, is this a question, a request, or...?"

***

_Q. [Luhan] Minseok...you are the most breathtaking person I've ever known. I am honest to God in love with you, and I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. Will you marry me? I couldn't afford a ring but here's a photo of us I printed out and taped to a rock._

"Uh..." Minseok's eyes seem to grow wider with every passing second as he's locked in a staring contest with a kneeling Luhan.

Too focused on making intense eye contact with Minseok, Luhan starts to go blue from holding his breath. In a matter of seconds, his eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses on the floor, out like a light.

Silence is maintained for hardly a minute before Jongdae yells, "EVERYONE OWES ME MONEY! I TOLD YOU HE WOULD DO IT!"

"Holy shit," Baekhyun wheezes.

"Aaaaaand...posted to my snapstory!" Sehun crows triumphantly.

No one helps Luhan off the floor.

***

_Q. How are you addressing concerns about your gang being socially unacceptable?_

Minseok shrugs noncommittally.

"No one's getting hurt--not anyone innocent, anyways. We're not evil. It's just a job."

He crosses his legs and offers a smile that makes the hair on the cameraman's arm stand up.

"I'll tell you what I tell everyone else. There's nothing wrong with making an honest living selling illegal drugs and killing people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly....I can't believe it's over   
> happy New Years! 
> 
> also I lied it's not over I have like ten thousand plots in my head for more of this crap....a day in the life of the gang...let me know if ur interested!! thank you for reading <3 wishing you all an amazing start to the new year


End file.
